Hello. It’s me. Writing from the location of ala thesis dungeon. Been thinking again (noice). Here are my ramblings, stream of consciousness if you will. 

I’ve recently been trying my hand at a “#Do100things” challenge (by @visakanv from twitter – writer of the book Introspect*) which is doing one thing, a hundred times. My 100 things thing is to write a short thought(s) every day.

“Removing expectations short circuits our predisposition to a narrative we’ve built – it allows us to be surprised, renewed, and see new perspective.” – Day 2 #do100things

Authenticity is an interesting fish to fry, albeit, delicious and crispy. 

I can’t happen to think we so often model ourselves according to expectations set by others, or potentially set by our own subconscious. 

Our understanding of who we are is an intricately designed (imaginary) palace, forged on the bricks of internalised expectations and sticky stories.

For example, “I’m a this kind of person because I did this.” “That person is a this kind of person because they do that.” “I’ve seen this person be like this in the past, so they’re still that.” 

Sticky stories that stuck you.

So I’ve termed this: sticky stories that stuck you. Narratives of who you were or are, expectations of you, that stuck you to the past, stuck you to this one type of perspective, stuck you to this one behaviour or way of living.

And being stucks sucks.

On the contrary, reality is expansive. It’s freedom. It exists way beyond the little palace of “this is who I am” we’ve situated ourselves in. 

Self-imposed and other-imposed narratives are really just rocket fuel blasting you away from reality; from expansiveness, from authenticity, from truth.

Dunno if that makes sense. But I’ve been thinking about how the more expectations you have, the less surprises you’ll have. 

Mmm. Let me rephrase that.

The more you expect something, the less room you leave for anything outside of that expectation. 

Expectations, strongly upheld ideas of how someone or something is, stifles you. It’s like putting walls around a tiny patch of a garden and saying, “this is all that grows here” while completely ignoring all the other flowers and veggies around you. It’s like collecting a cup of ocean water and saying, “yep, this is the ocean,” completely hindering you from knowing the magnificent expansiveness of what the ocean actually is and holds. We do that to people, we do that to ourselves. We limit ourselves by looking at our past or other people and saying, “yep, this is who I am, this is who they are.”

There’s so much more! In you! In others! In things! 

Strong narratives, sticky stories and tight expectations are like blinders to authenticity, to reality. We hold on tightly to how we think people/ourselves/things are, and we filter out any other signs that things may actually not be as we think them to be.

In the words of Alan Watts, “you realise who you are is not who you think you are… the you who you think you are does not exist.”

STAY CURIOUS!

For example. I have always been seen as a ‘positive,’ ‘fun,’ ‘bubbly’ character. My whole life I’ve been the happy girl.

I recently told my local coffee lady (we have rapport – I’m not over sharing to a stranger, at least not this time) “I need a coffee, I’ve had a terrible morning and I’m not feeling too good” and she replied, “What? That’s impossible. I can’t imagine you sad. You’re way too positive about things, always smiling.”

By responding like that, by keeping me in her box of “who Steph is,” she limited herself from knowing the fullness of me.

And sure, I can be happy in some ways. But if that’s all people expect me to be or even all that I expect me to be, that doesn’t leave room for authenticity. I change. I am multitudes. As are you.

ME involves a lot more than my personality. YOU involves a lot more than your preferences.

Etc etc etc.

That’s why staying curious is so important, because it’s recognising you don’t actually know. You don’t actually know yourself, your partner, your friend, your parent.

Authenticity starts with acknowledging that the SELF is expansive, ever growing, and ever changing.

GIVE PEOPLE ROOM!

Give people room to grow, to surprise you! To change! Give yourself room to grow, to surprise you, to change!

Stability is deception; change is the only thing that is constant.

I think that’s why sometimes family and friends you grew up with are hard to be authentic around, their ideas of who you are so set in stone that you can’t possibly be anything else. Jesus and Buddha both had the hardest time when they returned home to family. This is a prime example of sticky stories stucking you. I think it’s because of the expectations and narratives their family and friends had of them.

Sticky stories made it hard for Jesus and Buddha to be themselves. And god, we’re not Jesus nor Buddha, so you bet authenticity in familiar situations and relationships is hard for us too.

And vice versa, by having sticky stories about others, it makes it hard for them to be them. When was the last time you were surprised by something your parents said? Something your childhood friend did? Don’t let your sticky stories get in the way of them surprising, delighting, challenging and growing you.

Anywho. Dunno. Just writing, thinking, and having interesting conversations with friends (you know who you are, thanks!) over multiple cups of coffee. ☕️

STAY CURIOUS. STAY UNSTICKY. SHED EXPECTATIONS. DISMANTLE THE PALACE OF INTERNALISED STORIES. SURPRISE YOURSELF. BE SURPRISED.

Summary: shedding expectations and sticky stories we’ve developed in our most intimate relationships opens the door to surprises, delightful surprises!

*introspect is a good e-book. You should check it out. It’s inspiring me to let go of ‘perfect’ writing, and just write again.